If you let the fear of losing love prevent you from loving, then you’ve already lost more than you’ve bargained for.
Me
Posted 1 year ago
Truth Is, Some Of Us, We’re Broken. We’re Fucked Up. We Hide In The Shade So We Don’t Shed Light On Our Scars. The Ones We Want Nobody To See. Some Of Us Have Been Hurt. Some Of Us Are Still Hurting. & The Rest Of Us, Well, We’re All Scared To Death Of Ever Getting Hurt Again. But You Cant Use Somebody’s Inability To Love You Before, Be The Reason Why Nobody Could Be Able To Love You Again.
Myself
Posted 1 year ago
Tired.
I’m Tired. I’m tired of being sorry. I’m tired of being wrong. I’m tired of being worried. I’m tired of believing that happiness exists in this heaven-sent delivery package & if you wait your turn, its going to come to you. I’m tired of not having a grasp on the situation. I’m tired of not having a grasp on myself. I’m tired of being disappointed. I’m tired of things going wrong. I’m tired of being misunderstood. I’m tired of not having anyone I can depend on. I’m tired of everyone leaving. I’m tired of pushing everybody away. I’m tired of watching opportunities slip tight through my fingers. I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of cliches. I’m tired of lust. I’m tired of insecurities. I’m tired of not knowing. I’m tired of letting everyone down. I’m tired of not being what you expected me to be. I’m tired of counting the ways Ive thrown away everything that meant anything to me. I’m tired of keeping around all the things that mean nothing to me. I’m tired of questions. I’m tired of answers. I’m tired of excuses. I’m tired of explaining myself. I’m tired of hearing ‘Its going to be okay.’ I’m tired of not believing that its going to be okay. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of thinking to myself. I’m tired of having nobody to talk to. I’m tired of repeating myself. I’m tired of karma. I’m tired of repeating myself. I’m tired of the past. I’m tired of the future. I’m tired of being afraid. I’m tired of jealousy. I’m tired of saying too much. I’m tired of not saying enough. I’m tired of everyone thinking there’s something wrong. I’m tired of there always being something wrong. I’m tired of over-thinking. I’m tired of never thinking. I’m tired of speaking too soon. I’m tired of never speaking up. I’m tired of being lied to. I’m tired of being deceived. I’m tired of emptiness. I’m tired of bad habits. I’m tired of expectations. I’m tired of writing about how tired I am. But I’m tired of always ending things…The end.
Posted 2 years ago
Sleep.
Its 11a.m.
& my face is placed against my pillow-case anticipating this very moment…
I trace the taste of your perfume laced deep within my covers
like your scent was meant for me
As I roll over to my side & sigh
because waking up next to you is a dream I wish I never woke up from
I should have spoke up some & called you beautiful much more often
Cause it feels like I’ve died & went to heaven
& this bed became my coffin.
But I’m lying next to an angel & I’m resting in pieces
& you’re resting so peacefully that I cant help but admire
The smile when you sleep
like your miles in too deep of a dream that’s designed by desire…
Then my alarm begins ringing, these birds wont stop singing
& I fear that you’ll be hearing the sound
Of my heart pounding as I’m rounding the dresser
escaping these bedsheets that dress her
I’m flustered, shoving this cluster of mess
stressed.
frantic.
I panic.
& unplug the clock all together
Now, time is no longer an issue
& we’ll live in this moment forever.
She only re-adjusted & I must have missed it
she’s still fast asleep as I creep into bed.
& her eyelids seemed trusted so I lightly kissed them
as I caressed her to ease, she smiled once again.
Now the sun is shining in
as if trying to find an end
to this moment I’ve been dying to keep.
I cover her with covers
a well-mannered lover
in hopes she’ll fade with me to sleep.
But the day’s growing fast
& this soon will be past
so I gave her my left arm to hold.
She accepted & grinned
with the sun shining in
pulled me in but her hands were still cold.
She whispered
‘Just hold me’
& lightly she told me
‘Promise you’ll never let go.’
I whispered back
‘Never.’
both lying together
‘My love, until you say so.’
Posted 2 years ago
I Want Love…
All I want is love.
& pardon me for getting straight to the point.
But there is no other valid explanation to the statement;
‘I… want… love.’
But love itself is full of ‘wants’ & ‘needs’ & ‘hopes’ & ‘dreams’
& I myself have a few ‘dreams’ I ‘hope’ she’d ‘want’ to ‘need’
& forgive me if it seems like I’m asking for too much
But I want love & it feels like I’m asking far too much
See, I want her to hold me by the hand while I pull her by the waist
Lock eye to eye with that gracious face
That made this chase the greatest race my heart has ever paced for.
I want her to take me somewhere I’ve never been led too
Whether its the humble outdoors or the beauty of her bedroom
Where we’ll cuddle on a cold night so subtle as she holds tight
To these arms that will armor her from anything that could harm her.
I want her to want me as much as she could want anything in this world;
Cause we all want to feel wanted but I want it just as much as I… need her
& I want her to miss me like she kissed me;
For a moment that seemed infinite, Its beautiful, isnt it?
To see your face reflect in her iris & I wish I could just stay in her’s forever.
I want her to be happy when she’s with me.
& I want her to be happy that she’s with me.
& I dont want her to be jealous, but fella’s,
I want her to knock another girl out if she catches her asking for my digits
I want her to fidget when I cover her in kisses
& Listen to her giggle & say ‘stop’ which is code for:
‘Dont you even THINK about stopping’
I want her to take control sometimes, & tell me what she wants
I want her to lie me down. I want her to kiss me incessantly.
Cause honestly, I can only make the first move the first few times.
For the rest, well here’s my love, lets make a mess.
I want our lips to crash like the waves we’re soaking our feet in.
Sure that the shore will pull us back in with each other
The moment our eyes drift away.
& yes, I want her to brag about me to her friends endlessly
& Relentlessly make an effort to remind me why she’s here to begin with.
Cause see, love’s a game of give & take. & I’ll share the weight.
But I’m tired of doing this alone.
I want to feel the warmth that I spent cold nights trying to give.
See, I just want to love. & I just want to live.
& Most times, I just want to live in love with someone who loves to live
& Give all I got, cause she’s giving it right black.
& I dont think I’m asking for much
I just want a heart that I can live in & a hand I could clutch.
Cause such emotions dont tend to exist like this
But, I know better than to never say never.
Cause when I get love, I’ll know it.
She’ll smile at me & laugh at my jokes
& We’ll hug & kiss & reminisce about the time
That we hugged & kissed.
& I’ll want no more love.
Cause I’ll have all her love
& all I’ll want then, is to live in that moment forever.
Cause who says love ends when you get what you want?
So I’m trying to say this;
I want love.
But, this poem should have ended after that.
Cause there is no valid explanation to the statement;
I want love.
Posted 2 years ago
What Happened?
& This is why you’re bad with goodbyes. Because you’re afraid that if she leaves, she’ll fall in love with someone else more than she fell in love with you. That she’ll be happier in another man’s arms than she ever was in yours. Someone that you do not know is going to do things for her & make her happy like you never could. Together they’ll do things you use to do. Whisper things that you use to say. Live your dreams & make out your hopes. & At that moment, it’ll feel a lot better than it ever did before. & No, she wont forget about you. But this time, you wish she would. Cause the only way she could possibly remember you now is as that person who couldn’t do whats being done for her here. & That kills you inside, doesn’t it? To see her happy by a means that doesn’t involve you? Her smile may as well burn hole’s through your eyes, cause its someone else’s smile now. Not yours. Not anymore. Or maybe its the fact that it once was that makes it that much harder to understand. So now, you easily remember all the little moments that you’ve convinced yourself she hasn’t bothered to recall. You wonder if she lives the same thoughts that you think. & you doubt it. So now, you begin to cherish all the instances that you’ve convinced yourself she’s convinced never happened. & you know what happened, but you still wonder ‘What happened?’ & Then you realize that, in hindsight, you may have very well just missed what you had & not who you had it with. But thinking that would be childish. The same childishness you’re hoping she hasn’t developed. So you erase that thought. & You want to say that you miss it. But you know better than that. Because she probably doesn’t miss it. & you wont miss it, if she wont miss it. & so instead, you feel mis-understood & mis-represented. & She feels mis-used & mis-guided. & somewhere through these emotions, you both wonder ‘what happened?’ but you know what happened. So you both make the decision to move forward to live your lives. Which, in all honesty, could be the cruelest punishment for you both to witness; the act as if nothing ever happened. But of course, no matter what, you could never admit it. So she’ll fall back & forth between lost & found. & you’ll sway side to side between love & hate. & because the wall she set up won’t allow it; nothing could ever be how it was, again. & you know what happened. But you’ll always wonder ‘What happened?’
Posted 2 years ago
I’m Anybody’s Until I’m Somebody’s.
But I’m No One Until I’m Someone’s.
But I’m No One Until I’m Someone’s.
Myself
Posted 2 years ago
I Want To Be Loved. That’s It. But Getting There Tears Me Up Inside. Though Being Alone, Well, That Feeling Will Tear You Up Too. But We’ll Never, Ever Love Ourselves Enough To Choose Between The Two.
Myself
Posted 2 years ago
Dedications
to your hands whose palms calmed my alarmed arms with one flick of the wrist
& to a kiss that would assist any other wound that it missed
to your eyes that, brown and wide, would coincide with my soul inside
i dedicate this poem to you.
to your face which replaced the empty space of lonesome,
cute & wholesome
though i know some
first impressions aren’t how we left them
know that i’ve met them with corrections and my intentions
to protect them remain in tact, in fact,
i hold this promise in mind and mind the piece of mind your mind has given mine
though time after time i’ve re-sent my recent resent in a letter to get better
i dedicate this poem to the stars
that seem too far along to see them, without you and i both beneath them
to your ears that cleared the fears that i held
when you would hear what i yelled & rebelled that it would all be all right
and held my hand like my heart; all tight, all night
i dedicate this poem to your laugh
to the sorts of snorts you make
when your short of air intake
and care to break to catch your breath
but thats you being silly at its best
& yes, i dedicate this poem to the beaches we’ve walked on
and the cellphones we’ve talked on when meeting didnt cut it
when feeling meant we loved it,
and fuck it if they say we’re too young,
cause they’re too old, and we’re too sold on each other to let go.
i dedicate this poem to the night that we met
when you set foot out of that van, and man, God damn
I felt my heart in my hand, but that was all on ‘This Nite’
and i’m still trying to get this right.
it feels like i’m in a fist fight, with cupid
and i’m the new kid
trying to fit in,
and i’m just simply not winning
and you were the damsel in distress
who yelled ‘cease & desist’ and asked me if i was a-okay
and i thought to myself ‘hey, no way am i gonna let you leave’
pulled a few tricks from my sleeve and what do you believe
we fell in emotion.
I dedicate this poem to devotion
and despite all the commotion we’re invoked in
the second your word is spoken
i’ll be by your side.
& be yours to hide behind
and so much more kind to find
in a lover, cause i love her.
I dedicate this to your eyelids
cause when the talking fell silent
i went right in to kiss your covered eyes
since, i’m not opposed to violence
just beware that i’m
shooting a gun named ‘LoveYou’
with a bullet named ‘forever’
and its aimed at your heart.
Posted 3 years ago
This Nite
Stop! …
Breathe.
Close your eyes & re-assess.
You see, my mind’s a mess
& all thats left is the stress.
& I’m nervous.
Hell, I’m too nervous about being nervous.
& what if I say the thing wrong, I mean,
The wrong thing.
Chill…
Relax.
Brush your teeth & take a bath.
Put on that nice ‘shirt and jean’ combo
you thought you would look good in
& make sure to put on that cologne.
But not too much, just enough
for her to smell it.
Wait. Is this enough? Shucks!
Now, I’m in the car.
My heart’s racing
[No pun intended]
&I’m possibly facing embracing
a horrible nite due to my lack of sense,
I feel dense.
& now is the moment of truth.
5 days of waiting.
4 hours contemplating.
3 minutes of cocoons.
&2 seconds too soon.
1 moment of truth.
&now everythings in slow motion.
&with one glance,
my jaw hit the floor
&my eyebrows hit the ceiling.
& I could try concealing the feelings
that I’m feeling
but I feel it’ll be useless
I feel toothless,
cause I cant speak,
my knees feel weak
& I feel six-feet deep
the way I’m dying of happiness.
She looks beautiful tonite.
&I cant even look her in the eye.
I smile so much I show more teeth than a dentist.
While each sentence is capitalizing the moment
as we speak.
I feel like a geek, with my hands so far deep
in my pockets, I cant stop it.
&rite now, the stress is forgotten
See, what takes place the next few hours is
euphoria, bliss, greatness and this…
Is a change of pace.
Cause with all these thoughts
running through my mind,
her presence slows down time.
&now, everythings fine.
See, I’m an attentive guy,
I mean, why would I lie? But I…
I must admit.
The way those eyes lit.
It was like the piece of the puzzle
I so desperately missed.
But now, It fits.
&I’m throwing a fit.
Because this is her world
&I’m just DYING to be a part of it.
&this parliament of emotions
is just a part of my devotion.
Trying to control the notions, &damn.
You got me rambling on,
Talking nonsense
&maybe its my conscience.
But I have to be calm since.
I dont want to run this one away.
[This Night]
I look at the moon
&I look at her
&I wonder if they’re related.
Because she glows,
&I know,
That when she shows her bright side
No woman in their right mind is competition
God brought sunshine into my life now
& Right now,
If I could find the right vowls
I’d obliterate the alphabet
with words on how I feel.
So lord;
If this is how happiness feels
when I meet her;
I want to meet her 10 times over again
& if this is what it feels like when I touch her
I’ll need a doctor to surgically remove myself from her.
& I dont know about her.
But I could shed a tear when she gets near.
& my biggest fear is all that she can hear
would pass right by her ears…
I used to apologize for falling in love.
But I wont [This Night]
If feeling this way is wrong,
Tie me up & put me away.
Cause I’m not changing anything.
On [This Night]
She is my un-tied shoe laces,
Because she is the one that I fell for.
Posted 3 years ago
I Just Want To Be Loved
I just want to be loved!
Just loved. Thats it.
I just want somebody to love me!
I just want somebody to say;
‘Hey, you know what? I think you’re pretty cute!’
Fuck it, I just want somebody to mean it.
I just want somebody to hold me,
&tell me its okay
Even if I dont know what the fuck is going on!
I just want to FEEL loved.
I just want to be walking down the street one day
&have somebody approach me and say;
‘You know what? If it wasn’t for my boyfriend,
I would STRONGLY consider having sexual relationships with you.’
Even if they weren’t really my type
It’d make me happy
Because somebody wants me.
I just want to be loved
Because i NEED to be loved.
Cause i’m sick and tired
of celebrating the 14th of February
with my hand & a 12 page Victoria’s Secret catalog.
I just want to be loved because if I see ONE MORE ugly couple
I’m going to kill myself with questions like;
‘Well, if THEY can get someone, what the hell is wrong with me?’
I just want to be loved
Because I’m sick & tired of talking to myself in the mirror
&focusing in on my facial expressions
just to see how I come across when I’m talking to a female.
I want to be loved because
I think it is my hand that is tired of me making out with it
and not the other way around.
I just want to be fucking loved!!
&excuse my strong language
but love is a strong feeling
&I’m getting this strong feeling
that feelings aren’t as strong as i felt they should be
&well,
I want to be loved cause I’m tired of not making any sense
I want to be loved because
I know that somewhere out there
Someone wants to be loved just like me,
&the chance of us crossing paths isn’t guaranteed to happen
So you know what?
Make it your ‘Declaration Of Singlependence’
&If any of you want to be loved
Let someone know.
They may want to be loved to.
Give it a try.
I found my love for a reason.
Posted 3 years ago
Someone once asked me if I believed in love. To which I responded, inquiring ones belief in love is the same as inquiring ones belief in God. Some believe in it, some don’t, and for some, its as equally difficult to find out if either really exists.’
Myself
Posted 3 years ago
I Want To Be…
…&She asked, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
AND I THOUGHT
I want to be the journal she writes in to let out her fear
I want to be the box of Kleenex she clutches to wipe off her tears,
I want to be her optimistic negative in her pessimistic positive,
I want to be who she calls on her cigarette break, not be the cause of it
I want to be the ink on her skin when she writes ‘I Love Him’
Hell, I want to be the ‘Him’ on her skin of the ‘I Love Him’
I want to be the skip her heart takes when I cross her mind,
I want to be the touch her lips take, when hers touch mine
I want to be the smile on her face when fantasies take flight,
I want to be the memory in her mind of that cold summer night,
I want to be everything she’s ever wanted, the new house, the nice car
I want to be the grass that she lies on, so, she can watch the stars
I want be the voice on the telephone, that she so despretly missed
I want to be the shore that hit her feet, on the beach where we first kissed
I want to be the love letter of many, that she just cant put down
I want to be the sheets she wraps herself in, when she needs to shut down
I want to be the rose petals that she pulls, to wonder if I love her
&I want to be the symmetrical shape those petals make of my name
To show her not to ponder.
I want to be the part of the sea that she goes under
I want to be that high up mistletoe we stood under
I want to be the sound of her humming, which rings so wonderful
I want to be that sweet thing she slips into when she says ‘Comfortable’
I want to be the lipstick she uses so I could make her up,
and be the loud blue alarm clark she has to wake her up,
I want to be the man she waits up late for, just to show up
I want to be the one she asks ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
YET, I SAID
I want to be the one you give a chance to,
to show you who I can be,
I want to be everything in you,
Cause you’ve been everything in me.
Posted 3 years ago
Mess I’ve Made
“Look at the fucking mess i’ve made.
I’ve held too short for too long. I know.
I’ve learned silence hurts more than words.
So i’ve mimed it to as many people as i’ve wanted.
I’ve torn myself up on the inside
To balance the scars i’ve endured on the outside.
Now, look at the fucking mess i’ve made.
These past few months reminded me,
What i’ve forgot to remind myself for years now;
Love is that unnecessary.
I’ve broken promises to break bad habits
Rather than the habits themselves.
I’ve hid more than i should.
& i’ve realized we’re all fads as young adults,
We never last long.
I realized i’m a hypocrite
To most of the things i say.
& i cant believe it.
Cant believe i said
‘I Dont Care What They Think’
When i do. We all do.
Because if i truly didnt.
I would’ve written this long ago,
To show you the real me,
Instead i didnt,
To preserve the idea you’ve created of me,
for me.
I didnt want to run you away.
Fact is, I’m not sure as to who i really am.
All i know about myself
is the negative images i leave you with,
Which makes you leave me…
…With nothing.
I’m not sure. I dont know.
Hell, i’m not sure of things i dont know.
I mean, is this poetry real?
Or is it what you love me for,
So i continue to write because
all i’ve truly needed was love.
Hollow or not.
Her eyes were stars i didnt wish upon.
Cause rather,
I wish you wouldnt take me as depressive
For all of this i’m confessing,
Stressing, just like my mother
But i love her. Now,
Look at the fucking mess i’ve made.
I feel as if i’m easy to be forgotten,
Forgetting how it feels to forget the fallen.
& I’ve fell.
Fell off the pedestal my peers placed me on.
Wandering, Wondering,
if i’ll ever come back.
But now, i feel different.
& i’m scared.
Because what if the different me,
Loses the old you
That loved me for who i was,
& wont enjoy who i’m becoming.
Cause he is seldomly the seldom person i was.
& My biggest fear came
What that little boy asked me;
‘How do you do it? How can i be like you?’
& damn, that may sound silly,
But it almost made your man tear up.
Cause i never wrote the book on how to:
Lie, misuse, mistrust, love, leave,
Yet, in you, they trust?
But, he wanted to be like me,
Mr. Most Talented, Prom king.
Cause I made it seem so good,
But inside I was so wrong.
Now, Look at the fucking mess i’ve made.
& i lie here, hand on my head
Thinking about everything that was said,
& wonder.
‘How do i sleep at night?’
Then i reply
‘Easy, I dream of how it should be’
Then, wake myself up
in the middle of the night,
Sweating, out of breath,
as if i were exhausted, beat, tired
Of trying to find who i am,
Rather than who i’m not.
This, is the story of my life,
Everyone i’ve ever needed always ends up leaving me,
Which is why amongst them…
I’ve lost myself.
Now, I realize the fucking mess i’ve made.”
My Name Is Eric Ashtin. This Is My Poetry.
